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Monday, April 11, 2011

In the Mind of Mike

Dear Mike,

    We here at Mets Blob have been on your case. We admit we make a lot of jokes at your expense. Frankly you're a big target, and in many ways, you have it coming. But you must understand it's just our version of tough love. We are like parents dealing with a troubled teen, and we are at our wits end. This is when we have to give you the "You need to get your shit together and fast" speech. 
    We realize that the loss of your sports psychologist, Harvey Dorfman, was a big blow just before the season began. But it's time to grow a pair. You learned from Harvey, and he helped you, and that's great. But it's time to leave the nest. You don't need a baby sitter anymore, Pelf. You're a grown ass man. I'm sure Harvey would want you to learn from him, grow, and move on-not retreat into a hole of self important, hand licking, jersey chewing, infantile nonsense.
    As hard as it might be to accept, it's NOT all about you. You are part of a team, and your meltdowns are jerked off bullshit and not fair to the rest of the Mets. If the team's ship does not get David Wrighted soon, there will be a Wilpon fire sale by July.  We will lose Jose Reyes to the highest bidder, and that would be awful. Jose is the best all around short stop in the history of the franchise, and it would be impossible to replace him. Jose has had his own focus issues and injury set backs. But it will suck big time for Met fans to watch him reach his baseball prime and hit his full potential in a Red Sox uniform. 
    The problem isn't your arm, or your ability, or your skill. It's your nickel head or "yips," as you like to call them, getting in the way of your multi-million dollar gifts. You are young, but you are beginning to squander what could be a fantastic career with attention getting jack assery that has nothing to do with baseball and everything to do with self-serving horse shit. 
    If you put the team first, you will become a winner again. You don't need a book or someone to hold your hand. You need to be a leader once every five games. If something goes wrong, move on, and get the next guy. Base runners, errors, and bad calls are a part of the game. Baseball is filled with imperfection and the unexpected, and that's why we love it. We know all your outings won't be perfect. Why don't you? Man up, Mike. We all have loss in our lives. It's an unfortunate reality of being human. But we still do our jobs and move on with life as best we can. It's time to finally be a big boy and lead the team instead of dragging them down into your mental quicksand.

"What matters most is how well you walk through the fire." 
-Charles Bukowski

Good luck tonight!

Mets Blob


Dear Sirs,

I resemble any notion that my stability is in question and therefore my concentration, in such that I am a finely tuned world class athlete that focuses on the task at hand and is not distracted...pudding, I love pudding...whatsoever by any such bad calls or Josh Thole or gremlins - not the good kind - impacting my performance in the least. To prove my athletic prowess and unmatched focus - BUTTERSCOTCH - I have enclosed a top secret photograph of my winning performance for Wichita Heights High in the Silly Olympics. 

Yours sincerely, and with a moist grip, Admiral (retired)

Michael Pelfrey

1 comment:

  1. And if you don't give us at least 7 innings with 3 runs or less, there will be no Xbox for a week young man! Don't roll your eyes at me. What? You think I didn't see that? Honey, tell your son here what we used to do to lil' Ronnie Darling when he spit the bit. We threw grapefruits at him! That's right, grapefruits! Right out to the mound! So help me God if you don't what to get hit by an Indian River Ruby Red tonight, go out and lick the opposition instead of your goddamn fingers! ... Fuckin' kids.