IS DRACULA NEW-MOONLIGHTING AS THE MARLINS SKIPPER EDWIN RODRIGUEZ? YOU MAKE THE CALL!
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Saturday, April 2, 2011
KEVIN BURKHARDT MUST BE STOPPED
|Not now ladies, I'm burned out from the sausage race.|
|Gary, I have pressing news from the bimbo to my left.|
Stop it Kevin. Stop it SNY. We want to watch the game-not find out where to get the kids' faces painted at Chase Field in AZ. We have three guys in the booth already. There is no need for inane in-game reports from the Wandering Mannequin. It’s the 2nd game of the year, and K.B. is interviewing the Marlins owner’s wife about her cookbook as the Mets are batting. WTF SNY? The team is strapped for cash. So lets stop flying Kevin around the country, putting him up in hotels, and dry cleaning his polo shirts. Let's make way for baseball action, and put an end to the bleacher attractions.
TAKE A SWIG, MET FANS. WE DESERVE IT.
METS WIN IN EXTRA INNINGS TAKING GAME 2 AGAINST THE MARLINS!
METS WIN IN EXTRA INNINGS TAKING GAME 2 AGAINST THE MARLINS!
- The Mets hit the ball hard all night, pounding out 13 hits. Would have been more, but the Marlins made some nice plays.
- Jonathon Niese pitched an excellent game.
- David Wright went deep, had 3 hits, and drove in the go ahead run.
- Josh Thole came through with a big hit after a base running blunder.
- Wright and Harris saved K-Rod's ass.
- Beltran scored from first and lived to tell about it.
- Collins survived some odd managerial decisions.
- Parnell was dominant.
- The team showed heart coming back.
- The days of Jerry Manual’s cackle and long pauses are behind us. Terry Collins gets to the point in press conferences and says what is on his mind.
Friday, April 1, 2011
"People of earth…Relax, it was only one game. I am sending this message to you through my lucky CBS Cotton Bowl microphone. Why? Because SNY claims that broadcasting from the spirit world is too pricy… keep your chins up Chris Carlin…I’m losing frequency…have…to…go…now… sports fans……and the Cornhuskers rip the mighty Longhorns by the final score of 19-3 as 1974 comes a knockin’. Happy New Year America…...”
|Not such a hot start.|
METS 2 MARLINS 6
1 down & 161 to go! Mike Pelfrey could not cook up any put away pitches, he walked 4 batters, and he gave up a 4th inning grand slam to Marlin catcher John Buck. The Mets didn't do much at the plate as Josh Johnson no hit them for 6 innings. Willie Harris broke up the no hitter with a hard double to left center in the 7th-the first of his 2 hits. Carlos Beltran then knocked in Harris with a double of his own smoked down the right field line. Beyond that, the Mets were no shows on offense, seemed flat and sloppy early on, and simply didn't get it done. I guess the team didn't read Terry Collins' open letter to us fans. Maybe the players didn't think it was for them since in fairness, it was addressed to the fans. The good news is the Mets often win on opening day and then have a bad season. Maybe sucking in the first game is really setting us up for a post season run? Genius Terry! Genius!
PS- Terry, please stop writing me open letters. I don't know you, you're much older than I, you are not my type, and I find the whole thing creepy.
Marlins score in a school on Buck's grand slam.
The numbers don't lie. We really wish they did.
LOOKING FORWARD IN 2011We have some things we would like to see in the new season. We are realistic and don't expect a world series title. But here are a few things that would be HUGE improvements to the Mets and would make this season fun to watch for all of us.
1. We want a team with some fire. Last year Wright finally took a guy deep after he knocked him down. We need more of that, David. Stop patting guys on the butt when they reach third and flashing your USA Baseball grin. Enough. Get a little Ray Knight in your game, and smack Utley in the mouth if he comes in spikes high.
2. Same theme. Can someone lay out a catcher every once and a while? That hook slide, touch the plate with your left hand nonsense is bullshit. This is hardball for God's sake.
3. Reyes. Let your freak-flag fly. Hit line drives into the gaps and run, run, run. Go into the hole and throw rockets to Ike. Dance if you want. Be yourself, and have fun. 200 hits, 295 BA, 25 triples, 40 doubles, 20Hrs, 80 RBIs, 115 runs and 50 steals. Far fetched? Check this out: In 2008 Jose Reyes was the first player in major league history to have 10 home runs, 10 triples, 20 doubles, and 30 stolen bases before the All Star Break. Let’s make it impossible for them to trade you. All you people that want to dump Jose, shut up. You want him to go to Red Sox, Yankees or Phillies and haunt us forever?
4. K-Rod. You have the right attitude. You are nuts, you play with fire and are not afraid. Stop punching old men. Drill Rollins and Victorino in the ribs instead. You will feel better, and we will feel better. Now that’s anger management.
5. Brad Emaus. We don’t know who you are. We do know you are not Luis Castillo. Be a solid, gritty, balls to the wall, hard-nosed ballplayer.
6. Angel Pagan. Keep it up man. You are a really good all around player. We want you to blossom into a star.
7. Beltran. Stay on the field and rake. We need you in the lineup.
8. Young and Capuano. Bring the veteran leadership and show that you can still get it done.
10. Ike. You are the only guy on the team not bothered by the asinine dimensions of Saul Katz Field. We want 30 and 100 – and keep playing that D.
11. Thole. We think you can play. Hit your line drives. Singles and doubles are fine.
12. Big Pelf. Step up, and be the man until the guy that refers to himself as the man returns. Then we will have 2 men.
13. Terry Collins. Don’t let our team take shit from other teams. Get the guys to believe in playing the game the right way. Lose your mind as needed on an ump or on your team if they don’t play hard. Do not totally lose your mind like you did on your other managerial gigs. The last thing we need is a meltdown.
14. Fred & Jeff Wilpon. Shut your dirty, cheating, team destroying pie holes, and sell the team to Mark Cuban or some version of a real business man.
ENJOY OPENING DAY EVERYONE, AND LETS GO METS!
Thursday, March 31, 2011
CHARLIE HUSTLE OR WAYANS BROTHER?
Mr. Blackwell said, "What the f**k was he thinking!? Was Pete Rose trying to distract fans from watching the game? He is simply put, a fashion train wreck." So what's a 69 year old man doing dressed in a cross between a Dr. Huxtable sweater, the In Living Color show open, and a diver down flag? Watching the Reds make a crazy comeback to win the opener. Maybe they were inspired by Charlie Hustle and his Amazing Technicolor Members Only jacket.
ANOTHER SETBACK FOR #00 AND THE METROPOLITANS
After a misfire of a t-shirt cannon in a spring training game against the Cards a few weeks back, Mr. Met has felt stiffness in his right shoulder. The injury was originally listed as not serious, but in the following weeks his condition did not improve. Two days ago, he was flown to NY to see a specialist at the Sesame Street Hospital for Special Puppet Surgeries. Because of all his padding and stitching, MRIs proved inconclusive. Now back in Florida, he will begin his rehab assignment on Saturday in a simulated crowd-working session to see if he can get himself up to speed for the home opener on April 8th. When asked about his setback, Mr. Met had this to say, "I'm a gamer, and in truth I haven't been at 100% since 2006. I want to do what's best for the team. If I can contribute and help the team, I'll be out there." Get well soon, Mr. Met. We love you.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
A WAY OUT?
Disgusted at the thought of another opening day with the Mets, Jason Bay flew to Vegas this past weekend and invited Ronny "The Wrecking-Ball" Sanchez to break his ribs. This got us to thinking that maybe Jason was not making a hard-nosed play last year at Dodgers stadium when he tried to take down the left field wall with his head...but possibly was trying to euthanasize himself before the dog days of summer. We understand that euthanasia is normally a peaceful and painless practice. But remember, Jason Bay is Canadian.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
IS THE MANHATTAN MINI STORAGE AD INAPPROPRIATE OR AWESOME? WE SAY AWESOME!
Welcome to the city where ad copy writers never sleep, Fred and Jeff. You may not like it, but the truth is you two and international man of mystery, Saul Katz, are a joke. You have run this team and the franchise into the ground. Let's count the ways: payroll-joke, farm system-joke, medical staff-joke, ability to write a press release-joke, still paying Bobby Bonilla, Ollie Perez and Luis Castillo-joke, named new stadium after a defaulted bank-big joke, owning SNY but having no idea how to market the team-bigger joke, building a stadium that was more of a tribute to the Dodgers than the Mets-shitty joke, and the icing on the F'd up cake of hilarity...THE BERNIE MADOFF scandal that you didn't just take a hit on, but possibly played a role in? I hate to break it to you fellas but you are a joke, and now you have made the NY Mets one. Manhattan Mini Storage is not the bad guy- you are. Met fans get the joke because they have a sense of humor. They have to. Rooting for a NY baseball team that's not the Yankees takes a mix of heart, humor, and a dash of self loathing. New Yorkers take pride in their pain and with that pain comes a gallows sense of humor. We as Met fans wear the orange and blue as a badge of courage. We take the shots from friends, family, Philly, and random people on the street yelling, "The Mets Suck!" And still we pull for the Mets. Now it's your turn to take the shots, Mr. & Mr. Wilpon. If you can't handle it, then you are not Met fans and not real New Yorkers. But we never thought you were.
We applaud Manhattan Mini Storage for their New York sense of humor. Check out their website below if you have more shit than you need and nowhere to put it.
Monday, March 28, 2011
THE ART OF VIRGINIA WOOD LICKING
David Wright comes from a long line of Virginia wood lickers. Wood licking dates back to the late 1700’s, and it’s believed early settlers learned this practice from the Native Americans. Master Virginia wood lickers rode the line between shaman and soothsayer, and for a brief period were more popular than the town blacksmith. They could predict the weather, crop futures, and even contact the spirit world. David claims to be pretty good at it and says, “It’s a fun party stunt.” But like many things David and fellow Virginian and Nationals third baseman Ryan Zimmerman have in common, Ryan is much better at it.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
DEREK PRANKS METS
Why steal the Mets home run apple from Citi Field? "Why not?" says Jeter. "It's a great prank. I've been doing stuff like this since my brief stint at Michigan. It's just like stealing the other teams mascot. For example, we had no idea what a Buckeye was, but we knew people in Ohio had goats, so we'd just go steal them. It was awesome. But now I've matured comedically, and I owe a lot of my new comedy style to playing with A.J. Burnett. His pitching can be really shaky, but his comedy is tight. The shaving cream pie to the face? Come on that's brilliant! Chris Rock once told me he wished he thought of that shit. Now stealing the home run apple is what we in the comedy world like to call a slow burn prank. Citi Field is huge, like Yosemite huge. By the time one of the Mets hits a home run at home it could be June. Everyone will be waiting for the apple to rise behind the centerfield fence, and it won't because it will be in my apartment in Manhattan. Yep, my apartment is that big."