“Gary Cohen has gone too
far” says Commissioner of Baseball, Bud Selig. In an unexpected press
conference, Selig has put the vocal brakes on baseball broadcaster Gary Cohen.
It seems one term Cohen frequently uses is ringing foul to the Commissioner’s
ears. Below is Bud Selig’s official statement:
“Effective immediately,
Gary Cohen must stop using the word ‘rake’ when calling a game. Mr. Cohen is
one of the finest broadcasters in the business but a line is starting to blur
between play by play and color commentary. I do not believe Mr. Cohen has ever
done any form of yard work, let alone hit a baseball with enough force to be
granted permission to use the term ‘rake.’
I realize being in the
booth with 86 Mets’ Ron Darling and Keith Hernandez is a bit overwhelming for
Cohen, who is a lifelong Mets fan. Sitting thigh to thigh with one’s heroes
naturally causes the mind - and body - to respond in many different ways. In
fact, for several years now, Major League Baseball has provided Gary Cohen with
special Erection Concealing Slacks to help him avoid being embarrassed in front
of Ronny and Keith.
But make no mistake…Gary
Cohen is a broadcaster; not a player. If Major League Baseball allows Cohen to
continue to use the term ‘rake’ he may delude himself into thinking he is
actually ‘one of the guys.’ This is a slippery slope. Next thing you know,
Gary’s under the Queensboro Bridge scoring an Eight Ball with Strawberry,
telling people he’s dating Elaine Benes. We can’t have that.
Unfortunately, Gary Cohen is
not the only one at risk. Cohen’s overuse of the term ‘rake’ is also beginning
to tragically impact society at large. We have come to learn that a drinking
game based on Mr. Cohen saying the word ‘rake’ has become quite popular. On May
9th during the Mets’ inspired comeback against Philadelphia, a young man at
Montclair State had to be hospitalized with alcohol poisoning as a result of
this game. The 19-year-old student’s blood alcohol level was so high that
attending doctors mistook him for a New York Jet.”
