MY HAND BONE'S CONNECTED TO MY TONGUE BONE...
Gary Cohen gets up close and personal to find out what makes Big Pelf tick.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Friday, March 25, 2011
Pelfrey or Porno? You make the call!
SEASONED OPENER
"Mrs. Milfslut? I'm Mike Bigpelf. I'm here to fix your cable. Tell you what Mrs. Milfsult, you do a good job on Little Bigpelf and I'll give you free SNY. You'd like that now wouldn't you Mrs. Milfslut? Yeah, Mike Bigpelf knows what you like Mrs. Milfsult. Now, I'm gonna go to my van and get my rosin bag so I can dry then lick my hand obsessively all night long."
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Getting to 1st Base
LOVE AT FIRST WRIGHT
Statistics show that 41% of first marriages end in divorce. If that is true, these two won't make it through the national anthem and will be dividing up the nachos 50/50 by the bottom of the first. What started out as, "I will love and cherish you till death do us part," will end in, "Teixeira has a freakin' horse face, and you're a dumb twat!"
It's Science
FACTS ARE FACTS
Scientists at Dupont Labs have come up with a formula that proves that this abandoned foam finger found on a Metro North Hudson line train will chemically breakdown before the Mets are number 1 again.
Jose is Jumbotrontastic!
REVELING IN REYES
Matt Cerrone of Metsblog.com fears how great Jose Reyes looks on the jumbotron at Yankee Stadium. "He's just so cool and awesome. His hair, his tatts, his skills, and he's kind of bilingual. I just hate the idea of how fantastic he looks on the Yankees' giant HD screen." Matt went on with his thoughts on Reyes's upcoming contract, "I hope he never leaves us, and I'm optimistic he won't go anywhere else. Uncle Fred will find some money, and Jose will squander his salad days with the Mets until The Hospital for Special Surgery ends his career."
You can follow Matt Cerrone at
THE 10th MAN
GAME READY
In order to do his part, Mets fan Walt Lostcause simulates his
"Beltran looked at another third strike curveball face," and promises to be ready for opening day.
Assimilation to Simulation
THE FUTURE
Carlos Beltran survived a simulated game today, and it went quite well. "I could really get used to this," Carlos said. "If the major leagues went to an all simulated schedule or perhaps a version of over the line, I could play till I'm 55."
Orthopedic Smorthopedic!
QUACK POTS
"Mr. Beltran, you have the left wrist of a man half your age."
"But it's my knee Doc. I keep telling ya it's my knee!"
Le Grande Orange doing his bit
ONE PHONE CALL
Terry Collins has a face to face with Met legend Rusty Staub at Dade County Correctional. Let's pray for Rusty's reform and that this visit was not conjugal.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Ollie to the Minors for AMERICA!
THE METS ARE UN-AMERICAN
Ollie has no problem playing in the minors for our nation's capital but not the Mets. When the Mets asked him last season to work on his lack of craft in AAA Buffalo, Perez said, "You'll have to pry the ball out of my cold dead arm." When asked why he would take a minor league deal with the Nationals for $414 thousand and would not do so last year for the team paying him 12 million dollars a season, Perez replied, "I will not pitch in the peasant class for a monarchy. I want to pitch in America for America. The Nationals are America. The Mets live under the rule of Queens, and I want to live free in the division of the Braves."
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Flossing Brace Free
Pagan Feared Dead
Angel Pagan had to the leave the game today against Detroit due to a sore lower back but claims it's not serious. Really?! For any other team in major league baseball I may buy this as no big deal, but in Met terms it always translates into done for the year. Jose Reyes, Jason Bay, J.J. Putz, F-Mart, Carlos Beltran, Jose Reyes, Johan Santana, F-Mart, Ryan Church, any pitcher, Luis Castillo, F-Mart, Jose Reyes and myriad other players that had injuries that the Mets' crack pot medical staff said was "no big deal" or "day to day" that turned into season ending injuries or injuries that caused players to miss huge chunks of a season. This either proves the Mets have the worst medical staff in the history of professional sports OR the front office is riddled with liars. I think it's a combo of both. With the medical staffs propensity to throw guys with brain injuries on cross country flights and certain members of ownership expecting us to believe that an 18% return on an investment is normal and that they bank rolled all available funds, the team, the new stadium and numerous charities into this great "opportunity" while telling friends, family and random acquaintances they should put every dime they have in this puppy without question, but had no idea there was anything fishy about it at all, and they are the victims?! Sure, and I'm the Easter Bunny. They are the devil, the dark lord and Darth Vader all rolled in to one, and we will be lucky if Angel can walk by the end of May.
Socially Responsible Social Media
DAVID WRIGHT TWEETS HIMSELF
Call it quality control, call it crazy, David Wright is following himself on Twitter. A dog will chase his own tail and now David will fetch his own social media musings. Many would think following your own twitter account with another twitter handle would be the the ultimate act of narcissism, but D. Wright says no way. "I want to know exactly how the fan feels when he or she gets a new tweet from me. Sometimes I'm excited, sometimes it's a let down because I just wrote it and know what's coming. But, that's why I do it to keep in check, keeping myself in check. Tweets are not written on paper, they are written on my phone...and that's why I need a second phone and a second twitter account to see what it's like to get a tweet from me. This is the show not a game on paper, you gotta play the game and see what happens."
Mr. MerMet
THE WET CORNER
When rumors flew that an ex-A-Rod fling claimed that the Yankee 3B had not 1 but 2 paintings of himself as a Centaur in his bedroom David Wright would not be out done. NY's baseball 2nd banana Mets take enough guff from Yankee fans and Irving Picard. To now take a back seat in the Renaissance Fair mythical art world set too? Not on Number 5's watch. If A-Hole could be a half man half horse, (really 100% jack ass) David wanted to be an equally great creature. The Merman. He felt that being subconsciously half fish would give him a more fluid swing and a great advantage over the Marlins. Plus, should Neptune's Net ever fetch him a sea wench, catch of the day, slump buster...won't she be impressed with his softer artistic side and his class. All while David rides her wave of love and gives it to her with his crooked number.
Ollie, Ollie finally cut free! By free I mean 12 million dollars
SEE YA FUCKO!
Dirty selfish shit bag seen leaving Florida. This should have happened last May when cock sauce Perez refused to go to AAA Buffalo to work on his lack of stuff. You over paid Twat! You were giving every chance in the world to figure out why your fastball went from 96 to 86. But, no luck. Maybe the extra MPH came from some HGH? I hope you use all that free money to buy a heart for yourself and a soul for that skank agent of yours Scott BorASSHOLE.
Louie, Louie Let Go
Luis suffered for a long, long time and fought hard as the Mets scapegoat. Now he's in a better place. Philly. What better way to cut a guy with brotherly love then to send him to the best team (on paper) in the National league. You sure showed him Sandy Kaki Pants! Pay his way to the top of the National League East. God Speed Louie! Please be sure to write us from summer camp. We'd love to hear what winning feels like. Shit, you might hit 10 homers this year playing in Citizens Bank Park. Word to the wise Louie, if you think Mets fans were tough on you wait till you drop a pop up in a big game while wearing the Red, White and Blue. Philly fans won't just ask for your head, they will cut off themselves Al-Qaeda style, slather it in liquid cheese and post your beheading on youtube before you can say Bill Buckner. The only satisfaction us Mets fans may get is when he injures himself hoisting the World Series trophy in October.
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