“Gary Cohen has gone too far” says Commissioner of Baseball, Bud Selig. In an unexpected press conference, Selig has put the vocal brakes on baseball broadcaster Gary Cohen. It seems one term Cohen frequently uses is ringing foul to the Commissioner’s ears. Below is Bud Selig’s official statement:
“Effective immediately, Gary Cohen must stop using the word ‘rake’ when calling a game. Mr. Cohen is one of the finest broadcasters in the business but a line is starting to blur between play by play and color commentary. I do not believe Mr. Cohen has ever done any form of yard work, let alone hit a baseball with enough force to be granted permission to use the term ‘rake.’
I realize being in the booth with 86 Mets’ Ron Darling and Keith Hernandez is a bit overwhelming for Cohen, who is a lifelong Mets fan. Sitting thigh to thigh with one’s heroes naturally causes the mind - and body - to respond in many different ways. In fact, for several years now, Major League Baseball has provided Gary Cohen with special Erection Concealing Slacks to help him avoid being embarrassed in front of Ronny and Keith.
But make no mistake…Gary Cohen is a broadcaster; not a player. If Major League Baseball allows Cohen to continue to use the term ‘rake’ he may delude himself into thinking he is actually ‘one of the guys.’ This is a slippery slope. Next thing you know, Gary’s under the Queensboro Bridge scoring an Eight Ball with Strawberry, telling people he’s dating Elaine Benes. We can’t have that.
Unfortunately, Gary Cohen is not the only one at risk. Cohen’s overuse of the term ‘rake’ is also beginning to tragically impact society at large. We have come to learn that a drinking game based on Mr. Cohen saying the word ‘rake’ has become quite popular. On May 9th during the Mets’ inspired comeback against Philadelphia, a young man at Montclair State had to be hospitalized with alcohol poisoning as a result of this game. The 19-year-old student’s blood alcohol level was so high that attending doctors mistook him for a New York Jet.”