MY HAND BONE'S CONNECTED TO MY TONGUE BONE...
Gary Cohen gets up close and personal to find out what makes Big Pelf tick.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Friday, March 25, 2011
Pelfrey or Porno? You make the call!
SEASONED OPENER
"Mrs. Milfslut? I'm Mike Bigpelf. I'm here to fix your cable. Tell you what Mrs. Milfsult, you do a good job on Little Bigpelf and I'll give you free SNY. You'd like that now wouldn't you Mrs. Milfslut? Yeah, Mike Bigpelf knows what you like Mrs. Milfsult. Now, I'm gonna go to my van and get my rosin bag so I can dry then lick my hand obsessively all night long."
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Getting to 1st Base
LOVE AT FIRST WRIGHT
Statistics show that 41% of first marriages end in divorce. If that is true, these two won't make it through the national anthem and will be dividing up the nachos 50/50 by the bottom of the first. What started out as, "I will love and cherish you till death do us part," will end in, "Teixeira has a freakin' horse face, and you're a dumb twat!"
It's Science
FACTS ARE FACTS
Scientists at Dupont Labs have come up with a formula that proves that this abandoned foam finger found on a Metro North Hudson line train will chemically breakdown before the Mets are number 1 again.
Jose is Jumbotrontastic!
REVELING IN REYES
Matt Cerrone of Metsblog.com fears how great Jose Reyes looks on the jumbotron at Yankee Stadium. "He's just so cool and awesome. His hair, his tatts, his skills, and he's kind of bilingual. I just hate the idea of how fantastic he looks on the Yankees' giant HD screen." Matt went on with his thoughts on Reyes's upcoming contract, "I hope he never leaves us, and I'm optimistic he won't go anywhere else. Uncle Fred will find some money, and Jose will squander his salad days with the Mets until The Hospital for Special Surgery ends his career."
You can follow Matt Cerrone at
THE 10th MAN
GAME READY
In order to do his part, Mets fan Walt Lostcause simulates his
"Beltran looked at another third strike curveball face," and promises to be ready for opening day.
Assimilation to Simulation
THE FUTURE
Carlos Beltran survived a simulated game today, and it went quite well. "I could really get used to this," Carlos said. "If the major leagues went to an all simulated schedule or perhaps a version of over the line, I could play till I'm 55."
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